and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
