ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
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