If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
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How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
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I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
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