I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
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