I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Randomize
