Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Randomize
