I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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