Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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