you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
