Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
I currently don't understand fingers.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
