i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
and you fell through a lawn chair
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
