my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
