last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Randomize
