Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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