around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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