Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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