so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Randomize
