Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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