So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Randomize
