I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
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He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
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Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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