In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
