I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
