It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Randomize
