Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
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