I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
