tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
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