I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
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