He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Randomize