bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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