1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Randomize
