I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
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