Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
