thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Randomize
