Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
We smell like vodka and hangover
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