Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Randomize
