He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week š
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
Iām making her my life coach if med school doesnāt work out
I need advice on ways to politely say āfuck you on your way to hellā.
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