I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
