Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
