i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
Blood and glitter go together right?
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
