just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
4 words: hood of his car
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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