i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
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