I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Randomize
