soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Randomize
