OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
