i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
