why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
There r osticjed everywhere
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
