I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Randomize
