theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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