you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
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