i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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