I think about you every night.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.