Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed