Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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