so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
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