Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
