so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
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