My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
